The Harry Potter Characters Read Fanfiction
by daysandweeks
Summary: Bringing you one abysmal cliche after another since November 16, 2007!
1. Desperately Broken, Coming Undone

The book was entitled Fanfiction and Hermione had found it in a section of the Hogwarts library that she, surprisingly enough, was not too familiar with. She'd checked it out on a whim, and was currently snuggled into an armchair in the Gryffindor Common Room, reading a particularly bad story.

The story was called "Desperately Broken, Coming Undone" and was by dracosbabe927. Hermione was currently trying not to throw up. The mixture of bad grammar, lack of plot, and, well, the fact that it centered on her relationship with Draco Malfoy, of all people, was making her quite nauseous.

Chapter Three of the fanfiction went like this:

_Draco looked across the great hall to see Hermione. She was looking really pretty. Over the summer she'd straightened her hair and Draco thought she looked really hot. She was sitting with Harry and Ron but she looked up and she saw Draco looking at her. When there eyes met Draco was nervous so he looked away._

After dinner he left the Slytherins and came up to Hermione. He said, "Hi." Hermione said, "Hi." Hermione had been walking with Harry and Harry glared at Draco. He said, "What do you want Malfoy?" Draco said, "I want to talk with Hermione. Go away." So Harry went away. "How was your summer?" Draco asked Hermione. "It was really good, I went to America." "Oh, that's cool." "What did you do?" 

Draco wanted to tell Hermione how his summer had been terrible and lonely and how he'd thought about her the whole time but he didn't get a chance to because Harry came back and he told Hermione that she would be late for class if she stuck around talking to Draco like this so they left.

"Hermione?" 

Hermione was glad to be distracted from her reading. Ron had just entered the room. "Oh, hello, Ron," Hermione said, smiling at him. She quickly shut the book, knowing that he wouldn't like the story that she was reading.

"What's that book you've got there?" Ron asked. It was uncharacteristic of Ron to ask Hermione about things such as books, but the way in which she had tried to hide what she was reading had probably disconcerted him. 

"Oh, it's nothing," Hermione replied. She stole a glance up at the clock over the fireplace. "I didn't realize how late it was!" she commented.

"Yeah, that's why I came. I was wondering if you were still up," Ron said, suppressing a yawn. "I'm gonna go back to the dormitory now. 'Night."

"Good night, Ron."

Ron went back to the boys' dormitory, and Hermione headed towards the girls' one, carrying her library book with her. She didn't intend to read anymore of the book tonight. It would surely give her nightmares, although nothing that she'd read so far was _that_ bad. She left it on her nightstand before getting changed, and fell asleep without another thought concerning it.


	2. Ginny Does Hogwarts

Ginny Weasley was feeling ill, so she decided not to go to her classes for the day. Instead, she relaxed in bed until eleven o'clock, and then finally stumbled out of it, sneezing and coughing.

She thought about getting dressed and maybe going to lunch and her other classes, but as she stumbled across the dormitory, a book on her friend Hermione's nightstand caught her attention. Ginny headed over towards Hermione's neatly made bed, sat down on it, and opened the book to a random page.

The story that she saw made her want to scream.

_Title: __Ginny Does Hogwarts__  
Rated: PG-16 but it's gonna be NC-17 in later chapters okay?  
Summary: Ginny is in love with Harry but he breaks up with her and goes to fight the war. So Ginny is lonely and sad and vengeful so she does it with every guy at Hogwarts. But not all of them because sum of them are ugly. She just the sexy ones like Draco & Blaise& Snape &Sirius even though he's dead and Fred&George and if you don't like twincest then DEAL. In this story Voldemort doesn't die so she does him as Tom too DH Spoilers._

"Oh, Merlin, no."

Ginny didn't even bother to read the story. Instead, she ran to the bathroom, and lost her insides.

What in the world was Hermione reading these days?


	3. Lavandar Brown was really preppy

Lavender Brown read occasionally. She particularly liked romance novels, but the occasional mystery novel sometimes caught her interest. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she'd read a rather dirty book that she found discarded in the hallways once. Parvati, Lavender's best friend, had read it with her, and they'd giggled at the strange details.

When Lavender saw the book sitting on Hermione Granger's nightstand, she thought nothing of it. With a title like Fanfiction, it was surely about something boring and dull. The word was something she'd never heard of, and she generally didn't care for such words.

Then Lavender remembered something her mother had told her when she was little. "Don't judge a book by its cover," her mum had said, and Lavender had rolled her eyes, thinking that the saying was very muggle. Today, though, Lavender was bored, finished all of her homework, and out of anything to do. So that is why she decided to sneak a glance at Hermione's book as soon as she had the dormitory to herself.

She flipped to page seventeen, simply because seventeen was her favorite number, and read.

_Lavandar Brown was really preppy. She had long blond hair that was straight but it was really brunnetee. She died it._

"Er, what?" Lavender might not have been the smartest of people, but she did know how to read, and what she was reading…well, she was pretty sure it wasn't the English language. "And I'm a real blonde. How dare anyone insinuate that I am not?!" The fact that her name had been misspelled really didn't matter to her right now. 

_Lavandar was going out with Ron Wesly._

"Who in the living...oh, they mean Weasley! Well someone obviously wrote this a long time ago." Lavender snorted.

_Ron didn't realy like Lavandar. He was in love with Hormone._

"He's in love with hormones?" Lavender was truly perplexed now. Perhaps that was what had fascinated him about certain things? Perhaps he'd done it all simply because it was the hormonal part that had fascinated him. Lavender shrugged. Maybe this story made sense after all.

_Hormone loved Ron too but she was jealous that he was with Lavandar and that was why Ron was with Lavandar. They always were making out and stuff. And it made Hormone really jealous so she decided se would make out with someone and no one would know but that guy and Ron._

Suddenly, everything was coming together. The author of this book was talking about Hermione, not testosterone or estrogen or some such thing. "Why would Hermione read a book where the author couldn't even spell her name?" Lavender felt like crying now, remembering the good old days when she was with Ron. The fact that the story was so poorly written didn't help the matter any.

_So Hormone made out with Harry Potter, the hottest boy wizard of them all and the boi who livved._

"Alright, that's it!" Lavender yelled. She stood up and threw the book across the room. "This is complete and utter trash!" 

Someone cleared their throat. Embarrassed at being caught in a fit of rage, Lavender meekly peered at the person before her. It was Ginny Weasley, Ron's little sister. "Er, Lavender?" Ginny asked, peering at the girl before her. When she saw the book across the room, though, she nodded understandingly. "Hermione's got an interesting taste in books, doesn't she?"


	4. Let's Burn It

Lavender Brown and Ginny Weasley didn't seem like two likely allies, but today they were ganging up on Hermione Granger.

They had found her in the library, writing an Ancient Runes essay. "Hermione," Ginny had said, "Lavender and I have something to ask you." 

Hermione had been surprised to see the two girls together. What exactly would both of these girls want from Hermione? The answers to the upcoming Potions exam? Even if Hermione was friends with one of the two, they were not going to get them. "What is it, Ginny?" Then, reluctantly, Hermione had turned her head a fraction of an inch. "Lavender?"

"What is this?"

Lavender had tossed the book to Hermione, who had caught it rather awkwardly. A blush had formed across her face. "I found it in the library the other day. It's a terrible read."

"Oh, we know." 

Hermione was surprised to look up and see Ginny and Lavender nodding in unison. "You've read it?"

"Yeah, I took a glance at it the other day," Ginny had spat. "Lavender read a bit too."

"They said I was a brunette," Lavender had said, revolted.

"They said I was getting it on with my brothers." Ginny's face showed her horror.

"Oh, I know, it's horrid!" Hermione had responded. "But look at this chapter…this one's the _worst_…" 

Currently, the three girls were in the Gryffindor Common Room, waiting for a certain mutual acquaintance to show up. Hermione was waiting for her best friend, Ginny was waiting for her possible boyfriend, and Lavender was waiting for a boy she barely knew, but had always admired and gotten on with well enough. And so when Harry entered through the portrait hole, it was to see three girls running towards him, a book in their hands.

"Harry, read this," Ginny commanded him. While Hermione steered Harry towards a chair, Ginny handed him the book. Lavender helped him find the correct page. 

"What the…what's this all about, you guys?"

"Just. Read."

Harry was used to Hermione's bossy ways, but something about her voice made him realize that something sinister was on these pages. Was Voldemort somehow back again? Were the Death Eaters on the rise? But no, this wasn't the "Daily Prophet", it was a book…

_Rose Amber Michelle Corinne Cynthia Potter Snape was called Rose by most of her friends. She was in Slytherin house and her dad was Severus Snape._

"Snape would never name his kid Rose, of all things!" Harry griped. "I'm not going to read this crap. And he'd never give her the middle, or…whatever name that is…of Potter! He hated my dad!"

"Come on, Harry!" It was Lavender this time, and Harry was surprised to see the anxious, angry look on her face. She was glaring at the book as if it was the epitome of all evil. 

_She had green eyes and black hair with red streaks in it. She was really beautiful but she only had eyes for one guy: Draco Malfoy._

"This girl has no taste," Harry said, growing impatient. "Is this someone's diary or something? Shouldn't we give it back to them?"

"No, it's a library book," Ginny said. "Read it, please."

_Her best friend was Harry Potter even though he was a Gryffindor. They were hanging out one day, but alone because she didn't like his friends Hermione and Ron. She thought that Ron was immature and that Hermione was really really mean and bossy. So anyway one day she and Harry were researching family tress and they found out that they were brother and sister and that when Lily and James had died they'd given Harry to the Dursleys for protection and Rose to Snape._

"How…how exactly were my aunt and uncle supposed to protect me?" Harry asked, placing the book on his lap.

Hermione let on an exasperated sigh. "Harry, I think you're missing the point. This book claims that you have a sister."

Harry blinked, looking at each of the three girls, and then at the book. "Er, no, I'm fairly certain that I don't. And I don't know anyone named…" He peeked at the name that had been at the start of the story before saying, "Rose Amber Michelle Corrine Cynthia Potter Snape…"

"Just like we thought," Ginny said, smugly.

"So what do you propose we do with it?" Hermione asked the three others.

Perplexed, Harry shut the book and stood up. "What do you mean?"

"I said that we should burn it," Lavender said. Reaching a hand up to her glossy blonde hair she added, "It said I was a brunette, after all."

"You don't want to know what it said about me," Ginny said with a snort.

When Harry turned towards Hermione, she said, "I'm even up for burning this one. Apparently I'm in love with Draco." 

Harry knew that if Hermione, of all people, wanted to destroy a book, it surely had to be vile. The story that he'd read had been bad, but it had provided some bit of humor to his day. Looking back on it, the background information had been abysmal, almost in a funny way, and the author had spelled "trees" as "tress". Deep down, he'd always found spelling errors to be rather funny. 

"Let's keep it," Harry said. "Or better yet, let's give it to someone, as a gift."

"And who do you propose we give it to?" Hermione asked, hands on hips.

Harry arched his eyebrows, an interesting idea coming to his mind. "Oh, someone all three of you know rather well."


	5. Abysmal Crap

Ron was excited when he woke up to find a gift at the foot of his bed. He noted that it was shaped like a book, which was somewhat disappointing, but after reading Twelve Failsafe Ways to Charm Witches, he was up for anything.

The entire dormitory was still asleep, so he was discreet in unwrapping the gift. Once the wrapping paper was completely off of the book, Ron was perplexed at the title. _Fanfiction?_ he thought. What _in the name of Merlin's most baggy Y fronts does_ that _mean?_

He opened the book, though, and was scared shitless by the story that awaited him.

_Ron weasley was not loved by any1. He was in luv wit Hermin Granger and then he died & every1 was happy. Hermin married Harry and they had lodas of kids and it was grate._

Ron couldn't help but speak aloud, even if the entire dormitory was still sound asleep. "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!" he yelled. "AND PEOPLE LOVE ME! At least, I'm fairly certain of it…"

A massive groaning noise was heard as all of the boys surrounding Ron woke up. "Sorry, guys," Ron said, looking around at them. "It's just…you've got to read this terrible book. I wonder who gave it to me?"

He didn't notice that Harry was laughing. He was too busy trying to decipher the next paragraph and promising to lend the book to Neville when he was done with it.

_Ron was upset even tho he was dead so he haunted Hermin & Harry & their kids. He told their kids how he died. Voldmor kild him. Harry Jr, Harry's favorit son, didn't care. He said, "Well you deserved it because no one lovved u." Then Ron wanted to kill himself even though he was a ghost._

Ron was on the verge of tears now. What _was_ this abysmal crap, and why did the author hate him so? He was sure that he didn't know anyone whose writing skills were so poor, aside from Crabbe and Goyle, but surely they were better at creating plots and such.

"I can't read this anymore," Ron finally sobbed, chucking the book onto the ground. "It's too depressing." He was certainly going to have to find out who gave the book to him, and then beat them up, or _something_, _anything_ to rectify the reading of this pure and utter trash.


	6. PreHet

Neville was happy that Ron had lent him Fanfiction. The book had certainly stirred a passion in Ron, and he'd been yelling about the meaning of it, so obviously it was thought-provoking.

Neville was nestled in an armchair before the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room, about to open the book. He wasn't able to start reading, though, because a trio of girls approached him.

"Hello, Neville." Neville looked up to see that Lavender Brown had just spoken to him. She flipped her long, silky blonde hair over her shoulder. He was surprised to see Hermione standing at her right side, a smug smile on her face, and Ginny on her left.

"Great book, isn't it?" Ginny sneered.

"I don't know," Neville admitted. "I haven't read it yet. Your brother read some this morning—."

"We're aware," Lavender said with a guffaw.

"Harry told us _all_ about it," Hermione added. She then shared a conspiratorial smile with the other two girls. Neville was surprised how well she was getting on with Lavender. Maybe they'd bonded during the final battle of the war. He'd heard that Hermione had saved Lavender's life, after all. Returning her glance back towards Neville, Hermione asked, "Do you know what he read, by any chance?"

"Something he didn't understand the meaning of," Neville said with a shrug. "He was going on about people loving him and how depressing the passage was."

The girls started giggling together. Hermione doubled over in hysterics, and Lavender did as well. Ginny leaned on the both of them for support.

The laughter seemed like it was going to last for quite some time, so Neville opened the book and began reading.

_Genre: Neville/Ginny pre-het._

"What…?" Totally confused, Neville looked up at the still laughing girls. "Ginny, what does this mean?"

"Beats me," Ginny said between giggles. She came to his side, though, and peered at the book. "Pre-het?" she asked, her laughter subsiding. Lavender and Hermione were still laughing, though. The two were nearly rolling on the floor together, and the entire common room was gazing at them. Neville caught Ron's eye. He looked truly perplexed. It surely must have been odd to watch his ex-girlfriend and girlfriend of sorts roll around on the floor together. When Ron caught site of what Neville was reading, however, a look of understanding crossed his face, and his mouth became a small "o".

Ginny's voice startled Neville. "Does it mean we're going to be heterosexual or something?"

Neville looked up at Ginny's confused, pretty face. "I don't know about you, Ginny, but I already _am_ heterosexual."

"Ha ha," Ginny said. "Let's read it."

Neville began reading the story aloud.

_ginny was really lonely because harry was out fighting the war. she was at school with neville, luna, and all of the other kids who weren't muggleborns. she was doing very poorly in her classes which was weird because she was smart, but she knew why. all of her teachers knew that she came from a family of "blood traitors" and that her brother ron was involved in the war, & the teachers were teaching bad things._

"This isn't so bad," Ginny interrupted. "It's true to the facts, and the grammar and spelling are nearly perfect, but for the lack of capital letters."

_ginny was really lonely, though. she loved harry, but he wasn't there. neville was also lonely. he had never had a girlfriend but he'd always had a crush on ginny, but she was out of his league._

"Aw, that's not true!" Ginny said. "I'm not out of your league, Neville, am ?"

Neville shrugged, blushing a little. This story was actually completely true. He wasn't sure why Hermione and Lavender, who had just stopped giggling and were now sitting down on the floor, intently listening to Neville, had been laughing so much about the book.

_one night neville found ginny crying. "what's wrong?" neville asked._

"_nothing," said ginny, but it was a lie._

_neville knew this. he was also fairly certain that ginny was upset about harry. she was worried about him, and so was neville. he was worried about ron, hermione, and harry, and he knew that ginny had to be even more worried than he was. he gave her a big hug and before he knew it, they started kissing._

Neville stole a glance at Ginny. She had a strange smile on her face. "This…definitely didn't happen," she said with a laugh. "But I still want to know what pre-het is, so go on."

_the two were snogging for quite some time, and ginny started taking of neville's shirt. neville fumbled with her bra and—_

"STOP!" The four turned around to see Ron standing behind them, an angry look upon his face. "I _do not_ want to hear about what happened last year between my sister, who is _supposed_ to be dating _Harry_, and Neville!"

"This didn't actually happen, Ron," Hermione exclaimed. "We're reading Fanfiction."

"Oh," Ron said. "That's right. Still. Don't read anymore. It's just…weird."

Neville shrugged and shut the book. It was true. It had been awkward reading about him having "pre-het" (which he figured was possible foreplay or snogging) with Ginny. It wasn't that the idea repulsed him, but he didn't really look at Ginny that way.

The small group eventually disbanded. Lavender was the first to leave, taking the book with her. "I have someone I want to lend this to," she said. Then Hermione went off with Ron, and Neville heard Ginny snicker something about them two of them having "pre-het".

It was a strange book, Neville had to admit, but he still wasn't so sure what had caused Ron to freak out in such a manner. He'd have to read another passage some other time, and perhaps it would place him with someone who _wasn't_ Ginny. Like Hannah Abbot, perhaps. She was a _very_ nice girl.


	7. A Very Vivid Picture

_Hermione picked inhaled the sweet scent of the potion simmering over the low fire. The room was dank and dark, but she'd grown to love it over the past few months. She saw Severus standing in the corner, looking through his cabinet, and decided to sneak up on him, a sly smile on her face._

_She wrapped her arms around his waist and he turned around and was delighted to see her. Immediately, they started kissing._

"Bah! This is horrible!"

_The kiss was more passionate than all of their other kisses before. Hermione remembered their first stolen one behind the doorway that was just a few feet above them. She felt her insides tingle with pleasure from the memory, and a yearning feeling in the pit of her belly._

"Wow…this is pretty gross."

_She was surprised when Severus started unbuttoning her shirt, kissing her neck and darting his tongue along it._

"Hermione would _never_ do this!! And neither would Snape!"

"What are you reading now, Ron?"

Ron blushed, immediately shutting the book. He'd found it lying on the common room floor and picked it up without a second thought. Lavender had been nearby and had said, "I was going to give that to someone, but she's not hear right now, so feel free to have another gander at it." She'd giggled a bit and Ron had felt his heart triumphantly soar. Maybe she'd forgiven him and wouldn't be sending him those dark looks anymore!

He had decided to give it another go, hoping to find a story of Hermione, and that was what he found. Oddly enough, Hermione was the one to interrupt him.

"Just some…lame story…" Ron murmured to her from his spot in the library. His ears felt warm and he imagined that they were turning red as usual.

"About what?" Hermione asked, sitting down next to him, a book on Ancient Runes cradled in her arms.

Ron figured that there was no use in lying to her. "It's about you and Snape, actually."

"Snape and me?" Hermione looked completely confused.

"Yeah," Ron said. "It's dumb, though." He didn't want to admit that it was probably the most well-written one in the book.

"Let me see it," Hermione commanded, and before Ron could protest, she grabbed the book from him. By now she'd realized it was a magical book, and so in wanting to see the story Ron read, she opened right up to it. She read for a while, until her face took on a slightly green color. "You were reading this?" she whispered, not even able to look at Ron.

"Well, yeah," Ron said. "I was thinking it was a good thing Snape was already dead the whole time, though, 'cause otherwise I'd have to kill him."

Hermione still wouldn't look at Ron. "But why _were_ you reading it?"

Ron cleared his throat. Hermione didn't think that he was getting off at the story or anything, did she? "Well, I wanted to read a story about you, and that's what I found and…" He gulped, and Hermione looked up at him, confusing written across her face. "It was pretty nasty, okay? I mean, you were fine, but the fact that you were, you know…kissing Snape?"

"How far did you get?" Hermione whispered, her voice deathly.

Ron shrugged. "Not far. You'd just gotten done…I think Snape was about to feel you up, actually…" He stuck his tongue out and felt his ears turn and even deeper shade of maroon. It was very awkward talking with his sort-of-girlfriend about her snogging their dead, ex-teacher.

"Good," Hermione said. "It gets a lot worse. I wouldn't want you to see it." She stood up, but left her book with Ron. "I'll be back. I think I need to wash my face or something. I feel sick." She darted out of the library, leaving Ron alone with the book.

He couldn't help but wonder what Hermione had been talking about. Even if she _was_ adamant about his not seeing the rest of the story, he couldn't help but open up the book to the story once more.

The book immediately guided him to the disgusting paragraph that Hermione was talking about. After a few seconds of reading, Ron stood up, his eyes wide in terror. "What the HELL?!" she shouted. Before the librarian had a chance to scold him, he shut the book and ran out of the library, a very vivid picture in his head. Even if he was interested in seeing Hermione perform some sort of sexual act, this still had definitely scarred him for life.

Wands had many uses, but this was _definitely_ not one of them.


	8. To Each Her Own

"And _then_ they snuck off to the Room of Requirement and _did it_!"

Daphne Greengrass's eyes grew wide as Pansy Parkinson murmured into her ear.

"But Pansy," Daphne whispered back, "they're both boys. How does that…?"

Pansy whispered into Daphne's ear once more, and she turned bright red.

After regaining her composure, Daphne managed to clear her throat and ask, "Where exactly did you find this book, Pansy?"

"In the library," Pansy replied, as if finding books with such detailed sexual acts in the school library was perfectly normal. "It was just left there, next to an Ancient Runes book. The last person to check it out was Hermione Granger, of all people." Pansy snorted. "To each her own."

Just then, Draco Malfoy entered the common room. Pansy and Daphne, who were lounging on the floor together, felt blushes creep onto their faces. The book was in Pansy's lap, and she snapped it shut.

"What's that you have there, Pansy?" Draco asked.

Daphne stole a glance at Pansy. She was definitely about to tell Draco that the book contained nothing—that it was a reading assignment for some class she was in that he wasn't in. Daphne had a better idea.

"It's the most brilliant of novels, Draco," she chimed. Draco raised an eyebrow at her. "You simply must read it."

Draco sat down with the girls and opened up the book. Pansy looked completely sick, but Daphne had a silly smile on her face. After reading for a while, a terrible grimace appeared on Draco's face. "This is _disgusting_!" he exclaimed. Pansy elbowed Daphne, and she let out a grunt, pain coursing through her side. Both girls sputtered in confusion, though, when Draco clarified, "Why would I run away from Hogwarts with that Mudblood?"

"What, Draco?" Pansy immediately asked.

"Look at this crap! Did you even read this far?!"

Draco thrust the book into the hands of the two girls sitting opposite of him and pointed at a line. Pansy read aloud. "'Let's run away together, Hermione.' 'Oh, Draco…I'm so scared!' 'I love you…love conquers all…'"

"What the fuck?!" Draco exclaimed. "Like I'd ever say that. Oh, please."

Pansy let out a giggle as she scanned along the story. She turned the page, let out another laugh, and read in a breathy voice, "Draco thrust in and out of Hermione—."

"ARGH!" Draco exclaimed. "Stop no! My ears…they're bleeding!"

Daphne let out a laugh, thinking that Draco was joking around, but he wasn't. His ears actually were bleeding.

"Oh Merlin," Daphne said. "I think…I think we're going to have to take Draco to the hospital wing…" She stood up and helped Draco stand up. He was gripping his ears in agony. Pansy stood up as well, a slightly concerned look on her face. Then she noticed Blaise Zabini calling for her across the common room and left without a second thought.

"Let's go, Draco," Daphne said. "We'll bring the book. Maybe it's cursed."

Draco shook his head. "We can take it," he said, tears springing to his eyes, "but I'm pretty sure that this is just a side effect of reading porn without a plot."


	9. Preposterous

_Sorry for the long wait, everyone! I normally like to have the next chapter written before I post, but I haven't been inspired lately, so I thought I'd post this up so I don't leave you guys waiting for too long. Happy Holidays to everyone!_

Irma Pince didn't like having to see Professor McGonagall about missing books. She knew the correct spell to use to return them, but for some reason, the new headmistress was quite interested in seeing what books were overdue. Deep down, Irma was certain that it was only to make sure that no one was stealing books from the forbidden part of the library centered on the dark arts, but no one dared to venture there after someone let a swarm of doxies free there a few months back. Irma hadn't found out who the culprit was yet, but they'd pay. She hated wearing gloves when reorganizing the shelves there, which she still did, even though they remained untouched.

"Hermione Granger hasn't returned a book?" Irma looked up from her lap to see an incredulous looking McGonagall. "I don't believe it. Surely there's been a mistake!"

Irma knew who Hermione Granger was quite well. She was the bushy-haired girl, a war hero, in fact. Irma wasn't a big fan of Hermione. She loved to spend all of her time in the library, but she wasn't a quiet Ravenclaw. She was a Gryffindor, and normally attracted a loud, rambunctious Gryffindor following, including the brother of those noisy, pranking Weasley twins. It was a shame that one of them had died, but she'd felt angry with herself upon hearing of his passing, being as her first thought was, _At least he won't play any more pranks on those darling Ravenclaws!_

Still, she couldn't help but be curious. "What was the title?" Irma asked.

"Fanfiction," McGonagall mumbled. She had already moved along down the rest of the list, scanning it for names she didn't trust along with book titles that sounded a bit iffy.

"Oh!" Irma exclaimed, immediately knowing what McGonagall was referring to. "Actually, a Slytherin boy returned it the other day. I'd been certain that he hadn't checked it out, but I didn't have time to check." Irma remembered the quirky book that she hadn't recognized. She'd flipped towards the back, realized that Hermione had been the last person to check it out, and before her, no one had since the '70s. After reading a few very strange and poorly written stories, she hadn't remembered to cross Hermione's name off of the overdue list. She'd also spent a lot of time marveling at the Slytherin boy's bandaged ears, and wondering if perhaps the book was cursed. She nervously touched her ears, and was glad to find that they were still intact.

"What Slytherin boy would this be?" McGonagall asked in a disapproving tone.

Irma shrugged. "He's an older boy, back for his eighth year, actually." Plenty of students had returned after the disaster of last year, even if they were supposed to have graduated. Either their parents wanted them to do it, or they did, or they had a job lined up that required them to take classes that had been skewed. "A pale boy, blonde hair…"

"Draco Malfoy," McGonagall snorted. "I seriously doubt that Miss Granger would lend a book to him, of all people…" She trailed off before handing the list back to Irma. "Well, nothing too suspicious. Just children with bad memories or projects coming up. I suppose that you can spell the books back if you like…"

She then walked away, headed towards the fiction section of the library.

McGonagall couldn't help but be interested by what book Hermione Granger would lend to Draco Malfoy. Or perhaps what books Draco Malfoy would want to steal from Hermione Granger. After scanning the fiction section for a few moments, she gave up, remembering that she hadn't taken note of the book's author. "_Accio _Fanfiction!" she murmured, flicking her wand, and the book immediately came towards her.

McGonagall opened the book to find a quite odd story about her growing up. She'd apparently gone to Hogwarts with Albus Dumbledore, where they'd been girlfriend and boyfriend. "This is preposterous!" McGonagall found herself mumbling out loud. "Albus was many years my senior…and he didn't exactly fancy females, either!"

"Professor?"

For the first time since she was very young, McGonagall found herself blushing. She turned around to see Hermione Granger standing behind her, hand clasped with Ronald Weasley. She was relieved to see that Ron was blushing as well. At least she wasn't the only one here.

"Oh, no," Ron said, glancing at the book in her hands. "You've found it too!"

"Excuse me?" McGonagall asked, glancing from Ron to the closed book in her hands. Since when did Ron Weasley enjoy reading?

She stole a glance at Hermione, who was beet red now as well. "Oh no," Hermione murmured very lowly, and McGonagall was certain that tears had sprung to her eyes.

"Whatever you've read in there," Ron immediately spat out, very informally, "it isn't true! It's all…_lies!_ Hermione would _never_ do that, and you know that Snape wouldn't either. And if you were reading about no one loving me, that's also a lie! Lots of people love me!"

Regaining her composure, McGonagall quipped, "I don't know _what_ you're talking about Mr. Weasley, but I have read _nothing_ about yourself, Miss Granger, or the late Professor Snape. Now please, head to the Transfiguration section. Your essay is three days late."

With that, she tossed the book aside and trotted away, wondering what exactly Ronald Weasley had been talking about.


	10. Brilliant Stuff

"Let's read another story for fun," Hermione suggested, sitting across the table in the library from Ron.

Ron gulped. "Fun? If your idea of fun is sexing Snape or watching everyone hate me, then no offense, but I'm calling this a quits." He gestured between the two of them.

Hermione let out a laugh. "Oh, please. And anyway, let's not read about _us_. Let's read about…Harry!"

"Alright," Ron said, grabbing the book from where McGonagall had left it. He opened it up and found a story right away. "I'll read," he said. "If it's nasty, you're going to stop. So I'll read it.

"_Once their was a boy named Harry Potter. He was the boy who lived. He went to Hogwarts and was in his seventh year when he realized that his girlfriend, Ginny Weasley, was not the 1 for him._

"_In fact, girls in general weren't the 1 for Harry._"

Ron snorted. "You said you would keep reading," Hermione complained. "So what if he's gay? Go on."

Rolling his eyes, Ron continued.

"_The male he had his eyes on was Draco Malfoy._

"He _was_ quite obsessed with him sixth year," Ron conceded.

Hermione snatched the book away from him and began reading herself.

"_Draco was in Slitherin, though, and Harry was in Gryfinder. Harry used a polyjuice potion to sneak into the Slitherin common room and then he turned back and Harry told Draco he loved him. Draco said, 'I love you too!'_

"_The two boys slept in the same bed that night. Harry left early in the morning. After that they met in the room of requirement every night_—"

"You too?"

Hermione and Ron looked up to see a grinning Pansy Parkinson and a giggling Daphne Greengrass, who quipped, "Brilliant stuff, isn't it?"

"Just wait until you get to the paragraph where Harry gets pregnant."

The two Slytherins sat down with the Gryffindors. As they did so, Ron stood up and shouted, "WHAT?!"

"Shhh," Hermione scolded him. "We're in a library, Ronald." She turned her attention to Pansy. "So what were you saying? Harry…pregnant? How's that possible?"

Pansy shrugged. "We're magical. Apparently _anything's_ possible."

Ron sat back down, placing his head in his hands. "I can't believe this…"

"It gets quite graphic around Chapter 15," Pansy continued.

Daphne nodded. "Draco, you know…" She made a strange motion with her hands and mouth. "_Sucks_ it."

"Oh, Merlin," Hermione put a hand to her mouth, completely shocked.

Ron grumbled something into his hands that sounded oddly like "spit or swallow?"

"There are even better stories, though," Daphne said. "Or more farfetched, I mean. Did you see the one about you and Draco?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, thank Merlin."

Pansy sneered. "_You're_ thanking Merlin? Pah, you should have heard what he said. 'I would never run away with that Mudblood!' Or something like…"

In a second, Ron was standing beside her seat. "If you say that word one more time, I will _not_ hesitate to hit you just because you're a girl," he growled.

Pansy stood up, a laugh on her face. "Oh, really?" she challenged, one eyebrow raised. "That's like you. You're too stupid to know how to hex me, right?"

Trying to keep the peace, Hermione thrust the book into Pansy's arms. "Here, how about you take this with you. Ron and I are just about to leave. There's a lovely piece about hating Ron in there. I'm sure you'll enjoy it." With that, she grabbed Ron and pulled him out of the library.

"Hermione!" Ron exclaimed, once they were outside. "What was that for?"

"It was for you," Hermione said, and then she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him.

_**A/N: **__I know some people reading this are Harry/Hermione shippers and you guy shave been kind of complaining about the Ron/Hermione in this. This isn't going to turn into a Ron/Hermione fic—don't worry. I'll have hints of other canon couples in here (I've already mentioned a few) just because I'm trying to keep the story canon while the fics aren't necessarily._

_I'm going to try to work the Marauders into this. I finally have an idea to go about doing that, so to everyone who has been asking for fics concerning MWPP, you'll have it soon, quite hopefully!_

_Thanks for reading and putting up with my randomly-timed-updates, pairings you may or may not like, etc. I love all the reviews I get for this fic and seeing a new one in my Inbox always makes me happy. 2008 is around the corner, so Happy New Year to everyone. Unless I go on a writing frenzy, see you in 2008!_


	11. How Lily and James Really Got Together

Harry felt guilty about sneaking into the Hogwarts library so late at night in his Invisibility Cloak, but he didn't want anyone knowing why he was there, or that he went there period. After all, Fanfiction was now practically blacklisted. Anyone seen reading it was regarded with a sneer and, "Have you read the story where Draco Malfoy takes it up the arse?"

Harry was certain that some good had to come of the book, though, so that was why he was sitting in the library, Fanfiction in his la, planning to read a story on a war hero.

Surely a story about Lupin would glorify all the good things he had done. Harry flipped open the book and was surprised to see the following description:

_Title: __Puppy Love_

_Author: furryfangirl92_

_Rated: M_

_Summary: The Maruaders at Hogwarts. SBRL SBJP SBLE SSLE JPLE SSPP_

"I'm not so sure what those random letters mean," Harry whispered to himself. "But this can't be so bad. Silly title, though." A story about his father, Remus, Sirius, and even Peter would certainly be entertaining.

_Chapter One: Lonesome Wolf_

_A scarred young man with light brown hair looked out the window at Hogwarts. A bright, nearly full moon shined down on him and he shivered lightly._

"_Remus, what are you staring at?"_

_Remus turned around to see one of his best friends, Sirius Black sitting on the edge of his bed. Sirius reached a hand out and touched Remus's naked shoulder gently._

"_The moon," Remus said. "It's almost time for me to transform."_

_Sirius could sense his nervous tone when he said it. "You shouldn't worry anymore," he said. "James and Peter and I can be there with you now. We have magic on our side." His smile was both calming and welcoming._

"_I know," Remus said with a small smile and a nod. "I just keep forgetting."_

"_Well, don't worry anymore," Sirius said before leaning in and kissing him brazenly on the lips…_

"OH GOD." Harry shut the book, feeling his cheeks heat up. "Please, not that…"

He was about to open the book and try for another story in which his late godfather did not snog his late teacher on a bed when a sudden thought overcame him.

Harry flipped to the back of the book and read the short list of those who had checked it out form the bottom up. _Hermione Granger_ was first, and somewhere near the top was a name that made his heart skip a beat. _Lily Evans_.

_The Marauders seventh year at Hogwarts…_

"James Potter, you come over here this instant!"

James was surprised to see Lily Evans stalking across the head common room, a book in her hands. "What's up, Lily?" he asked. "And I believe I don't have to come to you. _You_ came to _me_."

Lily laughed and calmed down a little before handing the book, open to the middle, to James. "Just read this story I came across, please," she said.

James squinted, as he had misplaced his glasses quite recently, and read:

"_Hey Lils, will you go out with me?" James asked._

"_No," Lily said._

"_How about now?" James asked._

"_Still no," Lily said._

"_Want to go to Hogsmede this weekend, Lils?"_

"_In your dreams, maybe."_

"_How about we go down to dinner together. Maybe we can snog on the way."_

"_Yeah. Right. NOT."_

"_You know, Lils, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put J and L together. Get it?"_

"_Yeah. But please don't."_

"_Okay, well, if I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"_

"_Of course not."_

"_If you were a booger I'd pick you first."_

"_How…vulgar."_

"_So how about Hogsmede Saturday afternoon?"_

"_Goodbye, Potter."_

"Ew," James said, handing the book back to Lily. "Who wrote this shit?"

Lily shrugged. "Exactly my point."

"Since when did I call you 'Lils' and resort to such sad, pathetic pick up lines?" James asked, continuing his hunt for his glasses. He crawled on the floor, searching it vehemently.

Lily shrugged. "You never did, thankfully. Nor was every sentence you spoke asking me out."

Lily began to help James look for his glasses. She put the book on a nearby desk and began crawling on the floor, too, checking underneath the couch first. "I mean," James called from across the room, "I certainly fancied you in fifth and sixth year, but I was never that pathetic. I knew you didn't return my feelings. Where'd you get that book, anyway?"

"The library," Lily called before spotting something out of the corner of her eye from under the bookshelf. She reached under and procured James's glasses before standing up, triumphant. "Got them!"

James stood up and crossed the room. Lily dangled his glasses before them, giggling, but he finally managed to grab them, clean them with his shirt, and put them on. "Hey, _Lils_," he jokingly said. "Are your pants made out of mirrors? I could totally see myself in them."

Lily laughed heartily before playfully smacking James. James laughed along with her until Lily suddenly stopped. "I…I didn't mean anything by it…" James mumbled, suddenly feeling nervous. What he had said _had_ been rather forward and vulgar.

"No, no, it's fine," Lily said, a thoughtful look on her face and distant sound in her voice. She then looked James straight in the eye and said, "You know, I could see you in them too. I mean, maybe not today, but some months down the road."

And with that, the two started passionately making out.


End file.
